Four men and a prank

Talent and humor with a Christmas twist. Enjoy!

France has got talent

Via the Internet:

My chuckle of the day

So we're in the final stages of prepping "The Troubabble of Zerubbabel" by Will Anderson for a performance on 5/23.

This afternoon we had our usual after school rehearsal. Today was the first day we had in place the back drop covers (the kids had been seeing and working around some framing for the past few weeks), and some boxes that will be stones used to construct the temple, and a couple of our band to see and hear the flow of the show (including the percussionist, who brought several sound effects that will be part of some of the songs).

So the kids had a whole lot to take in and a lot to comment on.

As we were doing notes at the end of rehearsal, we came to "question time," when I take 5 questions from the performers. The rules: one person; one question; five times. And then we leave.

Standard procedure.

Our lead actor had his hand up first, nurturing his question for about 5 minutes, while I finished my notes. He was patient, but about to explode with curiosity. So I called on him first.

He put his hand down and thought.

One second, two, three.

I could almost see the wheels turning in his head to figure out how to ask all the things he wanted to know, and still make it sound like a single question.

His question was about 752 words long and covered everything from soup to nuts, but he did it with one breath, and there was only one question mark at the end!

Too smart.

And too funny.

Seasons of Joy 20 December 2009

BMPCNC will have a lessons and carols service at both services this coming Sunda 12/20. There ours will not be your standard issue L&C, I think the image below is still funny and on point. Keep an eye out this week for how we are developing out liturgy.


This CartoonChurch.com cartoon by Dave Walker originally appeared in the Church Times. View the source here.

Stuck on you

So we're vesting the Lord's house for Advent last Saturday. All of a sudden Ginny S. and Shannon K. are missing. No sooner than that and we get word they are stuck on the elevator. Alice P., efficient as ever noticed what was going, and with amazing presence of mind got the camera and lined up a photographer (Caroline P.) and then called for the fire department!

Everyone is fine; my colleagues were only stuck on board about 10 minutes. The repair guys are on the way. The firefighters did their job with efficiency and a high level of discretion and a minimum of snickering. But for the rest of us it was very exciting and just a little funny.

A Choir Director's Beatitudes

.... And, seeing the long Church Year before them, and knowing the awesome role that music must play in the worship services that lay ahead, the Choir Director called together the singers and spake to them, saying:

Blessed are the poor in spirit, those who are willing to blend their voices into a harmonious ensemble, for theirs is the music of heaven.

Blessed are they that mourn when forced to miss rehearsal, but call to inform the Director of their anticipated absence, for in these faithful few shall the Director find comfort.

Blessed are the meek, who submit themselves to following the Director, for they shall merit great worth.

Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after rehearsals are concluded, bringing with them neither gum nor goodies, for they shall be filled with music.

Blessed are the merciful, who take pity on the music's composer, careful to read the original notes, follow the original time, proclaim resoundingly the original message, for they shall obtain mercy from discriminating critics.

Blessed are the pure in pitch, in tone, in enunciation, for their voices shall blend in moving harmonies, enabling others to envision God.

Blessed are the music-makers, for they shall be called the heralders of God.

Blessed are ye singers when the Director shall seem to persecute you for the sake of the final rendition; be patient and rejoice, for of such perfection is the music of heaven.

Blessed are ye when other choirs shall revile you, and turn their ears from you, and say all manner of evil against you jealously.

Rejoice, and be exceedingly glad, for great is your reward in heavenly satisfaction that you have sung faithfully and well - for so disparaged they the great singers who were before you ... perhaps even that Bethlehem choir of Angel voices!

John Clayton, a retired Presbyterian minister and former concert singer wrote the Beatitudes for a newsletter for some "pre-ordained" and just plain ordained Presbyterians, but found others were interested in them also. They have been reproduced many times. Thanks to K. Knowles for sending them to me.

Of Cows, Corn and Choruses

Someone recently was telling me about this joke that has made the electronic rounds in recent years. She had only heard the "praise chorus" part. I told about the other and promised to email her the whole thing. I figured if it was new to her (either in part or in whole), then it might yet be unknown to others. I pulled the text from here. But apparently the original author is unknown. At this point, who can even really say what is original?

An old farmer went to the city one weekend and attended the big-city church. He came home and his wife asked him how it was. "Well," said the farmer, "It was good. But they did something different. They sang praise choruses instead of hymns." "Praise choruses," said his wife, "What are those?" "Oh, they're OK. They're sort of like hymns, only different," said the farmer. "Well, what's the difference?" asked his wife. The farmer said, "Well it's like this: If I said to you: 'Martha, the cows are in the corn,' well, that would be a hymn. On the other hand, if I said to you:

'Martha Martha, Martha,

Oh, Martha, MARTHA, MARTHA,

The cows,

the big cows,

the brown cows,

the black cows,

the white cows,

the black and white cows,

the COWS, COWS, COWS are in the corn,

are in the corn,

are in the corn,

are in the corn,

the CORN, CORN, CORN'

Then, if I were to repeat the whole thing two or three times, well that would be a praise chorus."

Now, the rebuttal, so to speak:

A young, new Christian went to his local church usually, but one weekend attended a small town church. He came home and his wife asked him how it was. "Well," said the young man, "It was good. They did something different, however. They sang hymns instead of regular songs." "Hymns," said his wife, "What are those?" "Oh, they're okay. They're sort of like regular songs, only different," said the young man. "Well, what's the difference?" asked his wife.

The young man said, "Well it's like this - If I were to say to you: 'Martha, the cows are in the corn,' well that would be a regular song. If, on the other hand, I were to say to you:

Oh Martha, dear Martha, hear thou my cry

Inclinest thine ear to the words of my mouth.

Turn thou thy whole wondrous ear by and by

To the righteous, inimitable, glorious truth.

For the way of the animals who can explain

There in their heads is no shadow of sense,

Hearkenest they in God's sun or his rain

Unless from the mild, tempting corn they are fenced.

Yea those cows in glad bovine, rebellious delight,

Have broke free their shackles, their warm pens eschewed.

Then goaded by minions of darkness and night

They all my mild Chilliwack sweet corn have chewed.

So look to that bright shining day by and by,

Where all foul corruptions of earth are reborn.

Where no vicious animal makes my soul cry

And I no longer see those foul cows in the corn.

"Then, if I were to do only verses one, three and four and do a key change on the last verse, well that would be a hymn."

Humor Alert

One way to deal with the issue...

An extra bit of lectionary humor courtesy of Reverend Fun.

Worship Dialogue

In our worship you are likely to hear our worship leaders say things unique to Christian worship and to our congregation. Some may sound a little dated or passé, but these connect us in a unique way with our spiritual ancestors and with Christians around the world. In FirstLight we try to project everything someone in the congregation needs in order to participate in worship; in our 11 AM service we try to get everything in print in the Guide to Worship. These elements happen so fast and often so spontaneously that we felt the need to give a brief description here. Below are a couple of possibilities, with suggestions for how to respond to them.

Following a Bible reading, the reader might say something like, “The word of the Lord.” A good response to this is a hearty, “Thanks be to God!” On some special occasions you may hear after a reading from one of the gospels, “The gospel of our Lord.” The response to that is, “Praise be to you, Lord Christ.” The exact wording is not as important as the listener giving their assent to what they have heard.

At almost any moment you may hear “The Lord be with you.” The customary response is, “And also with you.” What follows may be a prayer or simply an announcement. A friend once called this exchange the “holy attention-getter!” (Actually Debi T. called it the "holy shut-up," but that was in the context of dealing with 170 second- third-, fourth and fifth-graders at summer music camp!!) Another friend described her experience of trying, while eating, to mumble her response, in “mid-munch.” Finish your bite or sip if it comes to that! There's no such thing as a "holy spew!"

At almost any time one of the leaders may say, “Praise the Lord!” The best response to that is a loud, “Amen!” Learn to do that on a dime, and your evangelical and charismatic church-y friends will be amazed!

We've not tried this one at BMPCNC, but it's common in African-American congregations:
Leader: God is good.
Everyone: All the time.
Leader: All the time.
Everyone: God is good.
I've been tempted to try that with our congregation, and may yet. But if ever find yourself at worship with African-Americans, you're liable to hear that exchange.

When passing the peace, greeting each other, one person may say something like, “The peace of Christ be with you.” The other person responds with something along the lines of, “And also with you.” Handshakes and hugs are very common with this exchange, but are certainly not required.

Your involvement in our worship is vital; it’s what makes worship come alive. Your worship leaders hope these tips will help you feel more at ease with what takes place during worship, and enable you to participate to the fullest.

Understanding Your Choir (humor alert!)

Please receive this in the spirit intended! It's all humorous. Please don't take offense or take this seriously (especially you members of the choir!). Do enjoy!


"A View of Choral Singers" (Author Unknown)
In any choir or chorus, there are four voice parts: soprano, alto, tenor, and bass. There are also various other parts, such as baritone, countertenor, contralto, mezzo-soprano, etc., but these are mostly used by people who are either soloists, or belong to some excessively hot-shot classical a cappella group (this applies especially to countertenors) or are trying to make excuses for not really fitting into any of the regular voice parts, so we will ignore them for now.

Each voice part sings in a different range, and each one has a very different personality. You may ask, "Why should singing different notes make people act differently?" and indeed this is a mysterious question and has not been adequately studied, especially since scientists who study musicians tend to be musicians themselves and have all the peculiar complexes that go with being tenors, French horn players, timpanists, or whatever. However, this is beside the point; the fact remains that the four voice parts can be easily distinguished, and I will now explain how.

SOPRANOS are the ones who sing the highest, and because of this they think they rule the world. They have longer hair, fancier jewelry, and swishier skirts than anyone else, and they consider themselves insulted if they are not allowed to go at least to a high F in every movement of any given piece. When they reach the high notes, they hold them for at least half again as long as the composer and/or conductor requires, and then complain that their throats are killing them and that the composer and conductor are sadists. Sopranos have varied attitudes toward the other sections of the chorus, though they consider all of them inferior: The altos are to sopranos rather like second violins to first violins -- nice to harmonize with, but not really necessary. All sopranos have a secret feeling that the altos could drop out and the piece would sound essentially the same, and they don't understand why anybody would sing in that range in the first place -- it's so boring. Sopranos think tenors, on the other hand, can be very nice to have around; besides their flirtation possibilities (it is a well-known fact that sopranos never flirt with basses), sopranos like to sing duets with tenors because all the tenors are doing is working very hard to sing in a low-to-medium soprano range, while the sopranos are up there in the stratosphere showing off. To sopranos, basses are the scum of the earth -- they sing too darn loud, are useless to tune to because they're down in that low, low range -- and there has to be something wrong with anyone who sings in the F clef, anyway. One curious fact is that although the sopranos swoon while the tenors sing, they still end up going home with the basses.

ALTOS are the salt of the earth -- in their opinion, at least. Altos are unassuming people who would wear jeans to concerts if they were allowed to. Altos are in a unique position in the chorus in that they are unable to complain about having to sing either very high or very low, and they know that all the other sections think their parts are pitifully easy. But the altos know otherwise. They know that while the sopranos are screeching away on a high A, they are being forced to sing elaborate passages full of sharps and flats and tricks of rhythm, and nobody is noticing because the sopranos are singing too loud (and the basses usually are, too). Altos get a deep, secret pleasure out of conspiring together to tune the sopranos flat. Altos have an innate distrust of tenors, because the tenors sing in almost the same range and think they sound better. They like the basses, and enjoy singing duets with them -- the basses just sound like a rumble anyway, and it's the only time the altos can really be heard. Altos' other complaint is that there are always too many of them and so they never get to sing really loud.

TENORS are spoiled. That's all there is to it. For one thing, there are never enough of them, and choir directors would rather sell their souls than let a halfway decent tenor quit, while they're always ready to unload a few sopranos or altos at half price. And then, for some reason, the few tenors there are always seem to be really good -- it's one of those annoying facts of life. So it's no wonder that tenors always get swollen heads -- after all, who else can make sopranos swoon? The one thing that can make tenors insecure is the accusation (usually by the basses) that anyone singing that high couldn't possibly be a real man. In their usual perverse fashion, the tenors never acknowledge this, but just complain louder about the composer being a sadist and making them sing so damn high. Tenors have a love-hate relationship with the conductor, too, because the conductor is always telling them to sing louder because there are so few of them. No conductor in recorded history has ever asked for less tenor in a forte passage. Tenors feel threatened in some way by all the other sections -- the sopranos, because they can hit those incredibly high notes; the altos, because they have no trouble singing the notes the tenors kill themselves for; and the basses because, although they can't sing anything above an E, they sing it loud enough to drown the tenors out. Of course, the tenors would rather die than admit any of this. It is a little-known fact that tenors move their eyebrows more than anyone else while singing.

BASSES sing the lowest of anybody. This basically explains everything. They are solid, dependable people, and have more facial hair than anybody else. The basses feel perpetually unappreciated, but they have a deep conviction that they are actually the most important part (a view endorsed by musicologists, but certainly not by sopranos or tenors), despite the fact that they have the most boring part of anybody and often sing the same note (or in endless fifths) for an entire page. They compensate for this by singing as loudly as they can get away with -- most basses are tuba players at heart. Basses are the only section that can regularly complain about how low their part is, and they make horrible faces when trying to hit very low notes. Basses are charitable people, but their charity does not extend so far as tenors, whom they consider effete poseurs. Basses hate tuning with the tenors more than almost anything else. Basses like altos -- except when they have duets and the altos get the good part. As for the sopranos, they are simply in an alternate universe which the basses don't understand at all. They can't imagine why anybody would ever want to sing that high and sound that bad when they make mistakes. When a bass makes a mistake, the other three parts will cover him, and he can continue on his merry way, knowing that sometime, somehow, he will end up at the root of the chord.


(This piece came to me from a friend, who got it from a friend, who got it from a friend, via email and the Internet. I have searched high and low for the author to no avail; if you know, please contact me so I can give proper credit.)

Something New

I recently found James Wetzstein's AgnusDay cartoons. Each cartoon is a reflection on a reading from the Sunday lectionary selections. A Lutheran clergyperson, James is University Associate Pastor at Valparaiso University. I hope you will like the sometimes funny, always reflective interpretations of Scripture James has developed. Leave a comment here and let me know. The cartoons are way down at the bottom of this page; scroll down to take a look. They change weekly.

Along the same lines, because our Sunday worship is keyed to the readings of the common lectionary, and because the cartoon is also lectinoary-based, I have placed a feed in the right column that will provide the lectionary readings for the Sunday upcoming, as well as a daily lectionary for personal devotional use. This helpful tool is provided by the Presbyterian Church (USA) via WebMedley.